Easy Dating after divorce

Easy dating can seem like a strange world, especially if you've been divorced not long ago. The rules have changed, the players can seem more complex and winning might appear hopeless if you aren't prepared.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.3 million Americans get divorced each year. But all is not lost. It is possible to date after divorce if you follow some basic pointers.
HEAL BEFORE DATING AGAIN
"You don't want to meet someone and the slightest behavior pattern that is similar to the ex, you pull away and not give that person a chance," says Cornish, author of The Sacred Bond. "When someone gets divorced, sometimes they build a protective coat around their heart. You want to make sure you are completely over that before dating again."
THINK BEFORE INVOLVING CHILDREN
Striking the right balance when dating after divorce can be especially sensitive when children are involved.
"Do not get children involved in dating unless you are going to spend a lot of time with that person," says Cornish. "If it doesn't work, you are bringing all kinds of people in their life and you can send mixed messages. If the children are older, you can tell them that you are dating and that you'd like for them to meet the person. When the children are younger, leave them out of it because resentment can set up. Get to know the person first."
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LEARN TO BE HAPPY AND HAVE FUN
Dating after divorce also means giving yourself permission to be happy again. This means learning how to have fun, she says, as you date. "The old relationship is gone. Realize you are worthwhile and others want you. Realize you are attractive and you are supposed to have fun."
Carla Fox of Joliet, IL, was married for 15 years before she divorced in 1998. When she was ready to start dating again, she used God as her guide and details those experiences in the book A Miracle Made In Heaven.
"God does not use divorce as a life sentence of loneliness," Fox recalls in the book, as she realized that she could still be blessed in a relationship in spite of her divorce.
BE CAUTIOUS
Also a registered nurse, Fox learned that you must keep both eyes open when trudging dating waters once more.
"Don't be sidetracked by what you see, such as their attractive appearance or the many gifts they bring. It's so easy to get caught up looking at an individual in the natural. Pray and ask God to help you see them through spiritual eyes, so you can begin to examine their fruits of the spirit."
She practiced what she preached. It led to a trip down the aisle in 2002 when she wed Pastor Robert Fox.
"You have to divorce yourself from the individual and not the institution of marriage," she says. "The marriage did not hurt you, the individual did. Then you start with a clean slate."
ACCEPT PERSON WHERE HE IS
Dating after divorce, says Fox, also means you must accept that this new person might not be empty-handed.
"They may come with children, a house note, car note and bad credit from a previous marriage. You can't want this person without any baggage, but inspect each other's baggage. It's not so much on the physical."
LEARN TO COMMUNICATE
Robert LeCruise Johnson has been divorced for nearly five years. Since dating, he has learned that it is essential to communicate.
"When you're not looking to get back into a relationship right away, you have to let a person know that," says Johnson, an account manager at FedEx Freight in Memphis. "One thing I've noticed as I get older is feeling pressured to get into a relationship. You want to be a person's friend and get to know that person first so that you know what the person wants. You have to know who you are dealing with. Talk first to see what the person's motivation is."
BE A PERSON'S FRIEND FIRST
He has found that dating after divorce means taking the time to be a friend first and foremost.
"Be a person's friend. That way you know what a person wants," says Johnson. "Sometimes there are hidden agendas when you don't discuss it. When you are a person's friend, you get to know that person and what he or she wants."
BE SELECTIVE
Clinical psychologist Dr. Darlene Powell-Garlington says you must be selective when dating after divorce.
"People are anxious about stepping out again and getting to know someone again," explains Powell-Garlington, who authored Love Affairs: How To Get The Relationship You've Always Wanted And God Wants You To Have. "There is a certain sense of shame and sense of failure. It's a matter of being discreet and clear about your boundaries. Be assertive and clear about what pace you want to take a new friendship and how you define it."
BE AWARE OF WHAT YOU WANT
She also believes a person must be aware of what he wants before dating after divorce.